Week 20

I'm taking a slight diversion from my usual format because this week was all-consuming, and unlike normal weeks when I have a moment on Sunday to compose this message, I worked on this post throughout the week in about 10-minute chunks when I needed a momentary diversion - not the news -  to help me refocus.

A confession: Things got ugly this week. I swore at a stranger. It's a long story, and one I won't be sharing here, but I came home in tears because I had lost control. I swear occasionally ("shit" feels so great to say), but swearing at another person was a level I'd never reached. In another time, the situation would probably have been a mere annoyance and quickly brushed off, but on that day, after several other stressors had accumulated that morning, on top of the stressors of the last couple months, I became my own Mount St. Helens. After I blew my nose, I regained the presence of mind to acknowledge that the episode was not a reflection on my character; it was fear manifesting as anger. This has been one of the most important things I've learned in my 30s. If I can I step back when I feel anger rising, I can point to the fear that is stoking it. Whether it's fear over a loss of control or safety, or life or general happiness, looking at what we fear makes us consider our deepest needs and and sense of purpose (see: Maslow's hierarchy of needs). It's amazing what this mindset can do when you consider others' anger, too. Rather than getting defensive, you start to wonder what this person loves that they're trying to protect, what they're afraid they will lose. That said, fear doesn't have to manifest as anger. It can be transformed into action, or be held in stillness and care. Regardless, this is my reminder to myself to stay gentle and open when these feelings arrive, and follow them through. I'm sounding like a mindful meditation app, but whatever works.

Luna doesn't always want to go for a walk :(

An observation: My typos have increased exponentially in the last month. I'd feel bothered by it if I didn't also notice it increasing in others' emails, too. Our brains are working really hard right now.

Margot was very into Forest Birds and Chipmunks on Netflix

A rumination: In barre class, I was taught a trick for doing hard exercises: do another hard thing at the same time. For example, when your arms start getting tired of doing hammer curls, squat into a grand plié. You stop thinking about how much pain your biceps are in because you're like, "Yikes, my quads are shaking!" I've been trying to think if I can apply this trick to other hard things I face in life. I think in most cases it just leads to overwhelm. If you think of any examples where it works, though, let me know. Actually, the real trick is breathing through it.

Another trick: work out with your dog

A recommendation: Something I've enjoyed in recent years is the resurgence of email newsletters. These are filling the void once filled by old-school, regularly updated blogs (like mine), and they're better because they're easy to save and read later (though I guess some of you get my blog delivered to your email, too, which works the same!). Here are a few I've appreciated before Covid-19, and love even more now.

Raptitude: David's been around a long time and he's written a lot of good stuff, and I've identified with his penchant for lifestyle experiments. This recent newsletter about focusing on inputs really resonated.

My Sweet Dumb Brain: Katie Hawkins-Gaar has such wisdom about grief for a 35-year-old, which she tragically gleaned from losing her husband several years ago. I started reading her newsletter last year as I was developing a friendship with someone who had been through a similar tragic loss and shared it with her, and it became a starting point for some of our deeper conversations. Now, as we all seem to be experiencing some level of loss grief, I find myself saving these newsletters, knowing I'll be coming back to them. Like this one on anticipatory grief.

The Sunday Soother: This one is definitely more in the life-coach realm, written by Catherine Andrews, another woman around my age who is also ready to recommend skin- and hair-care products. It's a good start to the week - sometimes I need it, other times I don't.

So Relatable: Another newsletter that comes at the start of my week, and one I read because she's a kindred spirit sharing how she works through the creative process, and I appreciate anyone who includes a "snack of the week" in a newsletter.

The Collected AHP: Anne Helen Petersen has been on my radar ever since she was writing about classic Hollywood scandals and teaching media studies at Whitman, when she decided to leave academia and write for Buzzfeed. She since become an expert on millennial burnout and has written some of the better longreads about pop culture and recently, about Covid-19 in rural areas in Montana (where she is based) and Idaho. Her newsletter - not always weekly - takes me a few days to get around to, and at least 30 minutes to read, but each one is thought-provoking in regards to these current events, with links to other great pieces.

And one more thing:

We made empanadas on Sunday, the first time we've cooked together in awhile. It was a goal to do more of this in 2020, and Covid upended those plans and I wish they hadn't. So Sunday was a nice team effort. We used a recipe from The Science of Good Cooking by Cook's Illustrated, which called for vodka in the dough (made with flour and masa harina), and hard-boiled egg, raisins and green olives in the beef filling (plus cilantro, onions and other stuff). It was delicious, and we froze the leftovers.

Have a good week, dear people, and please excuse the typos.