The joy of cooking

I've been trying to figure out what to post since my last entry nearly two months ago, but since then, something funny happened. I realized I'm sick of cooking.

Veraci aftermath

It's funny because it's pretty much the main subject of this blog, aside from knitting and sewing.

But on a recent evening I stood in the kitchen and told Joel I wasn't sure if I enjoy cooking anymore. It might have sounded like a joke but I actually meant it. I used to approach cooking as a learner; each recipe was something I'd never tried before. Now I look at new recipes and compare them to similar ones I've made and wonder if it's worth bothering with. Or I look at how much time it will take me to make something and then can't stop thinking about the things that must be done (defrosting, soaking, shopping, prepping), and suddenly my whole Saturday revolves around making a dinner we will spend 20 minutes eating. My weekend brain is overtaken by thoughts of what food we need to have in stock in the coming week. This used to be fun. Lately it's pure mental load.

I know I can share that weight, but it's hard for me to let go. It's usually me who cooks and meal plans and grocery shops by default. Joel is a fantastic cook, and I can depend on him to make a great dinner, but it usually happens when I say, "OK, your turn."

We rarely cook together anymore because I am difficult to cook with. What you don't see on this blog is that over the years I've become a domineering know-it-all in the kitchen in the pursuit of being the most excellent home cook, perfecting my timing and honing my technique. It brings out my worst characteristics and I sometimes have to leave the kitchen to get a grip. In short, cooking has made me face what a horrible person I can turn into.

So I've been a bit weary about it all. I'm tired of being a kitchen brat (I would use a different term here but this is a family blog) and also of thinking about what we are going to eat all the time, tired of going to the grocery store and not only getting items needed for dinner but stocking up on things to have on hand or things we might be running out of, or things that are on sale that I later need to figure out what to do with.  I spend so much time thinking about how to be conscientious and economical (eat less meat! eat in season! shop your fridge first!) that I'm not even sure what I'm in the mood to eat these days.

What actually sounds really good right now - and always - is a baked potato, and it could even be microwaved.

But we can't subsist on potatoes...well, that's up for debate...but we won't. So I need to give up some control and let things be loose. I'm trying to see what it's like to only buy groceries that I need right now. While it might be more convenient to try to do bigger shopping trips, it's not like I don't live half a mile from a store and can't run to get an ingredient. The pantry does not have to be constantly stocked. I'm also canceling our frozen meat subscription because that also seems to be adding to this pressure to plan meals.

I know myself well enough to know this phase won't last forever, but what I'm learning about my need to release control is important. If I can figure this out in the kitchen, how else might I apply it in my everyday life? Even in the last week I've felt a slight shift in my approach and a lightening of my attitude toward it. We're still eating home-cooked meals and eating well. I know that cooking can be fun again when I let go of it.